From Urban dictionary:

ride or die

when you are willing to do anything for someone you love or someone you really appreciate in your life. the person who you stand by in any problem and vice versa.
the term "ride till the end or die trying"

I've reached a point in my life where I question myself what is it that makes me not settle down.  If I truly have no desire to be in a relationship or start a family.  Why I rocked the boat to a seemingly peaceful and stable past relationship with a good person from a good family and who has the same faith as I do. It was supposed to be a perfect match and a relationship with a clear direction. 

Yet there I was nursing my traumas in life and thinking about my what ifs.  I still have goals and ambition and wasn't very sure I was ready to start a "peaceful" life and forget about my calling.  Fear and anxiety got to me that I would be marrying without me having reached my goals for myself and for my family.  I have many responsibilities on my shoulder and I am not one to fold and let the man take care of everything.  I was just not made that way.  Some women would want to exchange positions with me and probably wonder why I would choose a life of hardship and something too unsure if I would succeed or not in my business ventures.  While a good life was offered to me in a golden platter.  

It is because I do not want to catch myself day dreaming someday of what I could have become and never was.  I actually want to achieve it for myself and not be given to me just like that.  However what caught me off guard was the person whom I thought was my future decided to give up on our 5-year relationship. And maybe rightly so.  He had also been very patient waiting for me as I with him because at the time he was also in the process of finalizing his annulment to his first marriage. 

It's been a year since that break up.  Do I regret it?  No. I care about ex too much to ask him to wait some more for me.  He deserves to be happy without me.  I also figured out for myself what I am looking for.  Why I can't seem to settle down even with a "good guy".

I want a RIDE OR DIE.

A good guy won't. Simply put,  a good and already stable man wouldn't understand my crazy hours at work.  Someone who is that set and settled for life won't understand my hunger, my drive, my passion.  A good guy would want to have a good wife waiting for him at home with the kids and talk about life and watch late night movies after a day's work.  Not go home at 11 p.m. everyday and would just collapse in bed and start again very early the next day.  That just won't work.  Of course someday I want to see myself settled too.  That is why I'm working hard and fast like a crazy person so I can give that to myself and not have to wait for someone else to offer that kind of life for me.

My ex was my ideal man and it remains so.  But he is not my ride or die.  He will never understand or accept my hustle or why I have to.   How I wish I have a softer heart.  I could only pretend to a certain point the kind of person I aspire to be.  I am not there yet.  I can't afford to be soft for now.  My backbone is made of steel.  I heard my mother tell a friend once, that I am strong.  Even when you try to bulldoze me, that I can take it.  

Now I know what to look for if someday God will give me a chance to open my heart to a new relationship.  He should be my ride or die.  The one who will never leave my side even when I am unlikeable or unlovable.  The one who could actually choose me everyday, and not my potential as a wife and mother.  The one who would choose me now, rough edges and all.