Happy Hearts Day L.

Knowing you L, you must be sitting in front of your computer after a long day's work and listening to an Anson Seabra song or Harlem River by Kevin Morby.  So, how are you L? 

Knowing you L, you'll probably look down and smile shyly which others would see as sweet.  But nobody really catches the quick second before you force a smile that you were actually hiding the tear that was about to fall had you not bowed your head. Of course, you will say "I'm okay." and shift the conversation and ask how others are doing just to get the attention away from you.  Of course L. Of course. 

You packaged yourself very well over the years L. Like a fortress. The one who takes care of things and others. The go-to girl, the reliable one, the one people run to for practical advice.  The strong one, the one who just works and works and works. 

Yet no one knows L, that you go home empty. Tears that you disallow to fall just welling inside your eyes.  You put your bags down and greet your pets, your only joy in this world, and stare blankly into space.  Asking God, "So Abba Father, is this it?"

But what are you waiting for L? Is it love? Is it success?  Which is it?  You told me before you value peace more than love.  Mind over heart.  This is peace right?  Then why do you look so damn forlorn L? I look at you and you are like an empty shell. Dead inside.  What will it take to make you truly smile L?

You are L.  The reliable one. So you witness every milestones of your high school and college classmates.  Their wedding, their child's christening, birthdays, etc.  Because you are the go-to caterer for these kinds of events.  Yet every time, you always swallow the pain and the envy.  You die a bit every time you are in these events.  Then you ask "Abba, what about me? Is my calling just taking care of others?"  But L, who is taking care of you?

Dear L, maybe you are just waiting to see who will stick around.  Someone who will love you?  Anybody? Nobody?  

I wish I could hug you a little bit tighter L and whisper to your ear that it is okay to let those tears fall.  It's okay to feel unsure and it's okay to hope again. God is with you never ever forget that.  People will come and go. But this One is different. He will be with you for all time.  I know how alone you must be feeling especially every night with no one to talk to and left alone with your thoughts. Just staring up that ceiling.  Deep inside, you long to read a loving text and how you long for conversations and someone who really wants to be with you.  Yours alone. 

Hey L, even when some of your prayers haven't been answered yet, don't you be forgetting that God already whispered these words to you as He watches you as you sleep, "L, I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness, I will build you up again..."

You will learn how to smile one day L.  

Hey L?  Happy Hearts Day! I love you.